2/10/10

For the last week I've felt a void in my life, like something was missing and I was trying to fill it. I realize now that there wasn't a void, there never was, there never will be, because for once I can rely on myself. I'm not afraid of anything. I tell it like it is.

As sure as who I want to be and where I want to go, I am even more unsure on who I am and where I am actually going.

I'm not afraid to face the music. I'll be alone on Valentine's. I hate that holiday anyways. And for a few days it really bugged me that I wouldn't have someone to spend it with. But now the concept doesn't bother me. I mean I'd love to have someone to spend it with but I don't need someone to spend it with. I realized the difference sometime today. And I feel better about it now.

I really don't think anyone reads these anymore.

Dear Matt.

Its your fault so shut up and stop reading all my stuff. okay thanks.

It's a new year

A lot of excepted things have happened to me in the last few weeks. Things I never thought would happen. Things I never thought I would want to happen. I guess you can't predict everything. Maybe it's all a foreshadow of the new year. Which so far has been overall good to me.
I'm not sure if I am ready to let go of 2009. It provided me with a lot of things I learned and grew from. I'm sure 2010 has some plans for me too. I've never been good with letting go of the past. It's become alarmingly clear that I need to make some big choices about my future, and it terrifies me.
I woke up in my own bed today for the first time in over a week, It was a major relief. I am glad to be home and not way out in Bluffton. Thanks to those who stayed out there with me, you keep me sane. It was fun though being away from everything and everyone, but I started miss this island. I like living here regardless of what everyone else has to say about it.

I feel like I am stuck. Like I can't make anyprogress in the ares my life needschanges.

10:54

I feel like I've been out of the loop from just about everyone, who at this time last year were the only people I wanted to spend my time with, and frankly I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't need to know what is going on with people who seem to have so much going on.

People who only seem to want to talk to me when something bad is going, never just to talk or see how I am doing. I was put on the back burner, and you know what that is completely okay.

My life is simple, it isn't complex like it use to be. It's easy. It's nice. It takes place at a relaxed pace. It's so great. I love where I stand right now in my life, I know what I want to do for once in my life, and I don't think it could get any better. Life is good.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror;

I feel that everything I use to know, has changed.

Everything and everyone is so different from what I remember, the last time I reflected on it all. People come and go, but I think that's an understatement.

Micro Wenis;

I haven't written one of these and awhile, and I have seen countless blogs that start with this infamous line. There really isn't much I can update you on, my life has remained the same, however the people in it have not. But I guess that happens to me every year around this time. I was never really one for summer. I want school to start. I find myself running into the same people over and over and never making a very positive impression, but I guess that is just how life goes sometimes. This is not a very important blog, I just need something to do until I grow tired and rest. Then I will once again wake up and goto the dentist and see what on earth is going on with my teeth. As you can guess I am not looking forward to this at all. It's just one of those things I am going to have to deal with and will look back on and not think of as anything important but as for now I am dreading it all.

Awkward

Is the best way I cant describe the last week of my life.

I recently spent some much needed time with Kara and Cody. I really miss chilling around town with them and Catie as well. It seems that they never pick up my calls though when I am out and about looking for something to do. I am sure it is just bad timing, but I tend to be a doubtful person.

Since the start of summer I have had some strange run ins with the same people. Very awkward run ins, and tonight probably went horribly horribly wrong. I must have some really bad karma.

This is proving to be a very tipsy trivy summer, and I am not sure whether or not I like it.

Ugh;

I went to the dentist on monay, and recieved some less that prefect news. Great =(

You really need to clean up your act, and fast. no one thinks your lies are cute. You're perhaps one of the most annoying people I have ever met. when people made fun of you I defended you and then you went around saying how much of a bitch i am because of what blake said. You lie to fit in or to make yourself look better than someone else. Newsflash EVERYONE knows you're a lying two faced bitch.

I love the south;

I can not wait until July 16th =)

update;

Life's had its ups and downs, but I am over all content with it currently.

I have recently started hanging out with some freshmen, and its not that I am like "ew gross freshmen" it's just weird being the oldest and they haven't exactly hit the same mile stones I have. And I can't help but have the feeling that everyone else is like "she's a loser, she hangs out with freshies". I mean they are a real fun group of people, I hope they feel the same way.

I think I might end up failing the school year just because I have gotten lazy about my work, but I think that happens to everyone at the end of the year. I havent seen my grades since 1st grading period so hopefully they'll be enough to pass me if my absents ever get taken care of.

Long weekend;

Friday was the best, I have nothing to complain about. We created memories that will last a life time.

Saturday started good, it was a nice day. Until night time started approaching, it was down hill from there. A steep hill.

Sunday was fine. The morning was alright, lunch with Cody, Catie, and Kara was great. They are some of the most important people in my life. However the evening was horrible. And for the record Cody isn't a scumbag and if you say it again I won't ever rejoin you for diner, also I am not a selfish bitch who never smiles. I am actually a really happy person, I just dont enjoy you being 4 inches from my face and rumbing my cheeks. I dont like you I never will and never have.

This event will;

change how the rest of my high school years will play out.

If in the end this will end up good or bad I don't know. I have messed feelings about the whole thing. It's becoming pain strikingly clear that things will never be the same. Maybe it just that for the first time I don't have you to catch me when I fall. This is the first thing I have done in 1 year 1 month and 14 days by myself. This is the first time I have truly been on my own. The next week will probably be one of the most frighting or exciting, good or bad, lonely or occupied, up and down weeks I have had in a long time.

I still care about you, I am extremely close to you, you're my best friend. I just wish things had worked out better, maybe someday they will. But I don't know what the future has in store. At least now we seem to be getting along better. It's ashame it took this for us to get along.

Fuck You;

Get out of my family, no one likes you. And if you ever show up, you're so dead. Everyone except your wife sees you for who you are! She says the bible tells you to love someone no matter what. It's great that you have a belief, but he isn't just wrecking your life, he isn't just stressing you out. You deserve better than to settle for that jerk of a husband!

just an update

I haven't written in what seems like awhile, although I currently have no clue what the date is on the last blog I wrote. But I remember what it was about and I remember I never posted it. You guys don't need to know ALL my business.

I have recently been told people enjoy my pure honesty, kindness, and positivity. I hope that is the case and people aren't just trying to flatter me.

I read the news alot, i have been told that I know endless amount of cool random and useless information. Like that a lady in England is going to jail for bitting her boyfriends tongue of and spitting on the floor, or that a guy was given a DUI will driving his altered lawn mower. But then again people get DUI while riding their bikes, my aunt did this and knocked her front teeth out.

Change;

I think I am getting to that point when my group of friend will once again change.

I love the people I hang with, they mean a lot to me. But it seems like I am just the joy kill, it seems more and more they enjoy drinking and such. I really don't, I am not saying I will never do it again, cause I know I will. It just seems more and more that it is all we've been talking about in the last 2 weeks.

I know it sounds really stupid. I know I can't tell anyone of you what to do. I understand that much. I just feel like I do not fit in anymore.

Oh what a year;

I had to put my cat down today, and if that wasn't enough I had to watch. Have you every seen a paralyzed animal crawl around and not know why its legs aren't working? It was way up there on the "hope I never have to see again" scale. Oliver was the only Animal, besides rats and a turtle, that was actually mine. That require care and responsibility, I'm not saying I neglect my rats or turtle they are just lower maintenance.

I am cutting this short.

intoxicaton sounds fun;

today started on a bad not and will end on a bad note.

lately I seem to be left with more question than answers. All this time spent alone isn't on my side either. I worry to much. I blame too much on myself. I am filled with imperfections. At times I am lonely even when I am not alone. I hate school because its too restricting, I love school because it's the only time I get to see certain friends. I hate the weekends because they are unpredictable I love weekends because there are spend with grand people.

I wish we were better friends. I wish we hung out more. I wish you weren't so darn quiet.

Life;

If I said I didn't see thing coming, I'd be lying. I'll be relived when it's all over too.